How we are influenced

I keep thinking about how we are influenced by others. Some people bring out your best and some, of course, don't. I wonder how this is determined. Is it because each individual is programmed a certain way that we are only attracted to people who mirror our own programming? Does this leave room for finding commonality in people who seem to be from another planet, or, as I've been questioning, people who bring out the qualities in ourselves that we don't like so much?

I certainly understand the attraction to people who although may be quite different from ourselves, have qualities that we find endearing, interesting, thought provoking, or even so far from your own understanding that this in and of itself draws you to this person. But what about the people who because of their differences highlight your most unattractive qualities? I would imagine that these are the circumstances that allow for the most growth and the ones that we instinctively shy away from and certainly the ones that turn the mirror on our innermost demons. If this is the case then, based on my own belief systems about growing and changing, we should keep these people in our lives for as long as it takes to break through the insecurities they represent in ourselves. However, what I also recognize is that it is these same people, or the feelings they invoke, that are perhaps more toxic then nurturing.

We naturally surround ourselves with people that are like-minded and hopefully, ones that inspire us to be better. So then why would we choose to keep the people who bring out our worst around? Because it forces us to reconcile our personal insecurities and defenses. Or perhaps, what I should say, is that rather than 'keeping these people around' we should at least take these encounters as opportunities for growth and personal understanding. Rather than taking things personally and immediately beheading the individual who, overtly or not, pointed out your weaknesses, we should be taking these criticisms and being constructive with them.

Having your weaknesses, insecurities, fears or faults pointed out to you is a tough pill to swallow but I am beginning to understand, or realize, that these are the pills we need to be swallowing on a regular basis. These are the pills that will inevitably heal old wounds that come out as character flaws or that at least inspire some kind of personal change.

I have a friendship that, in the beginning, was incredibly toxic. Any encounter with this individual always ended up in a battle of the wits, the heart, the intellect and, ultimately, just a bloody battle. But for some reason we continued to rip each other apart, to point out each others faults but continued to challenge each other to sort out our personal discrepancies, which in the end, I believe, made us both stronger individuals. And, alas, great friends. It is because of this relationship that I have been able to work through some personal struggles and certainly has pushed me to look past my own judgments of others. It created a safe environment where we both knew that anything was fair game, we could speak our minds knowing that we would be challenged and in allowing one another to speak freely and honestly we were able to see that at the end of the day, we're both just human. We have very similar ideas about many things but certainly go about it in ways that we feel work best for us. This relationship has opened up my desire to work through difficult relationships but to also be weary of peoples intentions. I have more respect for this person because of what we've allowed each other to be and for challenging my beliefs, my ways, my very being.

So then perhaps there is room in our lives for the people who highlight our biggest fears, whose very presence puts you on the defense but we have to chose which ones are worth fighting for, or with. How do we know when a toxin can be turned into a nutrient? I guess you just know when you know. I suppose that for me it's recognizing shared beliefs or ideologies even if they come across as totally alien from one another.