Control Freaks

An epiphany -- one that came to life on a quiet Friday night in my best friend's kitchen as we both laid our hearts out in the open and dinner out on the table.

Adults in relationships are control freaks. This may sound rather severe however, there is a good point here. When we are in our 20s life is naturally out of control and the thought of making any kind of lame attempt at controlling anything, especially ourselves, doesn't even occur to us wild young bucks. When we are young and looking for love, we don't actually know what we are looking for, let alone what we are willing to offer, so dating and 'relating' is as complicated as deciding if you want chicken or fish for dinner -- you just pick one because you're hungry and you know you'll be mildly satisfied in the end and if you choose chicken today, you can always have fish tomorrow.

Then you grow up, so to speak.

Time passes, hearts break, love comes and it goes, promises are made and broken, you lust, you love, you lie, you let go and in the end you are still looking for just one person (just one) that will make life easier to get through. One that will make your life richer just for being in it, make your heart ache in their absence, make you want to throw things and do fish flops on the floor and still, at the end of the day, the only person you want to see before you close your eyes.

This sounds lovely, it does, and I still have hope, albeit, my hope for finding this kind of love at this point in my life is about as strong and glimmering as the hope I have for this Edmonton summer to stay hot and sunny -- unlikely but certainly not impossible. Here is where it gets sticky.

The older we get the more we feel the need to control things in our lives and we most definitely believe that we are in full control of our destinies. We make the decisions, we manage our time, our schedules, our comings and goings. We decide who we want in our lives and who doesn't deserve a lick of our time. We get to say how much time we want to give to certain people, how much time we want for ourselves, who gets what from us, when they get it and how much they get. We set our alarms, pencil in coffee dates, add events to our calendars, book vacations at convenient times, say yes to opportunities and no to ultimate disasters. And because of all this, we actually believe that we can control our relationships. Or what I believe happens is that we don't even realize that we are trying to control the one thing in life that should be free of control, love, and make up a plethora of excuses of why this new (wonderful) person just isn't what you want. Bullshit.

At this point in life (30s) we know what we want. We know who we are and where we are going, for the most part anyways, and when we meet potential lovers we immediately begin to break them down. As soon as we see even a smudge of something we don't like or have seen before (in a whole other person, mind you) we begin to find reasons why this person just won't make the cut. Rather than just accepting this person as they are we force our own expectations on them and immediately send them to the guillotine when they don't live up to these unrealistic needs. We turn into control freaks.

I purpose that we let go of our unhealthy ideals of what a perfect mate is because, as we all know, no such person exists. There will always be things you don't like about someone, one way or the other, so accept people as they are. If at the end of the day, you and this new lover have something good going, then I suggest just going with it. Run with it, actually, because if you let this one go, the next one is bound to have a whole other set of undesirable qualities that drive you crazy and make you wonder if the next one will be better.

I think it's more about letting go than grabbing hold. I think, I think, I think....