Lately, I have been trying to meditate. And by trying to meditate I mean laying on the floor in savasana (corpse pose), focusing on my breath and watching the thoughts whirl around my mind until I get so caught up in whatever it is I'm thinking about that I forget that I am trying to meditate. I am not so good at it. The truth of it is I don't really know what it means or perhaps, more to the point, I'm not sure how it's suppose to feel and I'm a feeler, if that wasn't blatantly obvious already.
I figured self-guided meditation would pair nicely with my regular yoga practice, just like a full-flavored cab. sav. paired with succulent lamb roast. Well, not quite but they seem to go hand in hand anyways.
Today, something different happened and it started at the end of my morning yoga practice. After an intense and always sweaty practice my body was grateful to have some time in corpse pose. As I lay there trying (hard) to let go of any thoughts I had about anything, tears started to fall. Quietly, slowly, out from the corners of my eyes, down past the tops of my ears and around right to the back of my head. I felt the cool path of each tear meet at the nape of my neck and I had no idea why. As we made our way back to seated position, hands at heart centre, eyes closed, the tears continued but now it was turning into a cry and I knew where this was going.
I quickly wiped the tears and the snot away from my face and bee-lined it for the door. When I got home I decided I needed to explore these emotions that seemed to have come from no where.
So here it is....
I recognized my deep need to begin the process of forgiveness. On a grand scale, forgiveness of so much, so many and, most importantly, myself. But on a smaller scale, I knew where I had to start. I knew the one that needed my forgiveness first and foremost. This is not an easy task.
As I began to focus all of my energy on going to back to a time that I have so carefully buried, to a place that I have chosen to forget and to a person that I have so cautiously placed out of my mind and memory the tears came back in full force. My body remained calm and still but my heart was racing and the tears were falling.
It seemed a big mess of memories and emotions, words, actions, places that had been deformed in my mind for years began to take shape again. And as this was swirling around, all I could think was 'I have to forgive you. I have to forgive you. I have to forgive you.....' And then it happened. This quiet yet abrupt voice echoed in the background: 'Then who will I have left to blame?' Next in line is myself.
As I let this idea send shock waves through my very being and as I went through the list of 'blamees', I finally understood what forgiveness meant: to stop putting the onus on other people to carry the weight our unpleasant experiences and certainly, to recognize that you were a part of the whole, not the reason behind the circumstance. To look at a situation objectively, take what we need from it and move on. The trouble is, when we leave these things to rot in our hearts for so long they turn to stone and the stone begins to multiply, then the stones starting pile up and up and up and without realizing it we have created a fortress around our hearts and it is a difficult fortress to get through, whichever side you happen to be on. But the least we can do is to seek out the tools we need to start chipping away at it, even if your only tool is a nail file.
My yoga instructor today opened the class with the question: 'What does it mean to be genuine?' Where does sincerity come from? I believe the truest and most sincere people are the ones who are not afraid to speak their truth, the ones who are not afraid to be human and certainly the ones that allow you to be whoever you need to be in any given moment. I fear I have a long way to go but can take comfort in knowing I am headed in the right direction.
The whisperings, whirlings, wonderings, and writings of a dreamer, a dancer, a drawer and a darling.
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