In Solitude I Grow

Something I just came across... never finished the thought process but I know where it was going.

August 31, 2011

How appropriate to sit down to write some thoughts down on the last day of our Edmonton summer. Of course, for those fortunate cities, towns and villages that can’t feel the pre-autumn chill of living a stone’s throw from the Arctic Circle, summer is just getting comfortable. Admittedly, I find great comfort in knowing summer has begun her finale and autumn is waiting in the wings, ready to take centre stage.

I know that the season has begun to change because I woke up feeling like myself again. The urgency of finding purpose and excessive productivity in my day and the anxiety of knowing it will never be enough has subsided and today I am just ok. Today, being alone doesn’t feel so lonely and life is regaining its sense of simplicity.

September has always been the month of grand gestures and simple plans. The perfect time of year to set goals, make lists, clean out closets and cupboards, to make promises to myself that aren’t allowed to be broken. I imagine that the importance I place on this month stems from celebrating my birthday on the 28^th and, as with so many others, because it’s the first month of a new school year, something that never seems to go away. A chance to start again, to do better this time, to follow a schedule, try new things, learn more, be more, love more. I certainly put far more pressure on September than I do on January. September feels so fresh and vibrant whereas January is just so broken and glum.

The light in my apartment has also begun to change. The sun is resting lower in the sky, letting its light flow comfortably through my dusty old windows. The angles and shadows have changed too, turned corners and softened in colour. Having always been drawn to light and its magical way of casting spells on everything it touches, it acts as a barometer, measuring my internal weather patterns to the ones outside. Summer usually has me turned inside out, recoiled and fragile and now that the few, brave golden leaves have begun to share their world with mine, I naturally begin to unfold, unfurl and blissfully unravel.

Of course, just like the shift of the weather in the interim, the remnants of this agonizing summer are lodged in between my bones, still causing some discomfort.