The end of the apology

As I've said many times before, I have been struggling to find words to leave in the space for quite some time now. Yet another enormous transition that has left me somewhat exhausted and unbalanced. To be expected when your life gets tossed around as mine has in the past few months. All of my own doing of course.

The theme of my days of late has been to stop apologizing for the way I am. To stop feeling like I need to justify every move, word, action or decision to anyone but myself. And even to myself. To be more gentle with the person that I am. To stop putting any credence or value in what other people might think of me and my life.

There are so many instances that I can look back on and wonder where my common sense was or if my sensibilities evaded me for certain moments of time. I am the type of person that allows any minuscule mistake or slip of the mouth eat me alive for much longer than necessary. I am riddled with guilt, more often than not. Is it because I was raised Catholic? Hah. Seems like an answer that is just too obvious and therefore irrelevant. The past few days have been been highlighted by moments of clarity. Moments where my guilt or shame or uncertainty proved to be completely unnecessary, self afflicted and unfounded. I am tired of feeling any less than ok with being just as I am. I am so tired of it in fact, that I am to the point of exhaustion and this means that something has got to give. I am done apologizing (even if it's only internally) for everything.

I try to be observant of what happens around me, specifically of the people that are carrying on around me. For the most part, I have no interest in being a part of what happens around me as I am usually quite happy to be inside my head. I had a strange epiphany tonight at work (working in a bar again) where I felt the deep presence of every person in there. I felt their life swirling around me and somehow recognized that each one of us is the centre of our own universe. That nobody really cares about me and what I do so much as they care about themselves and how they are perceived. Perfect! If nobody is watching, then it just doesn't matter. I can be left alone to do whatever it is I want to do. So with this being said, there is nobody even listening to my apologies. Are you with me?

Perhaps another burst of thought and ideas is at the mouth of the river. Hope so.

Will sleep on these ideas.