Always torn, never unstitched.

Being a woman (I've finally taken to calling myself a woman because, as it turns out, I'm not 16 anymore, as much as I all too often still feel that way) that has spent the better part of her days filtering through the rolls of film in her head, sometimes it's difficult to stay present. Shocking, I know. My mind is always clumsily rolling around, catching its coat on doorknobs, slamming its elbows, knees or toes into the closest edge, or tripping over its feet that, I've often thought, are too big for its body anyways.



Now, it's not so much that I have my head stuck in the past, like a kid that sticks his head between the posts on the railing who thinks it's funny until he realizes that his parents will have to saw off the railing closest to his left ear. No, I use the past more as a point of reference, 'Right, I'll never do that again' or 'Well, if I just did it this way, it might work this time' or 'Did I? Are you? No recollection of your name but...'

Now the future, that is something I'm always thinking about. And not in a way that I am planning for the future in any meticulous way because, the good lord knows, I wouldn't even know where to begin. My favourite anecdote to convey my ability or desire (or lack thereof) to plan for the future is a short conversation I had with a doctor friend of mine. It went something like this:

D: 'So what's your plan for the next five?'
M: 'Next five hours?'
D: 'No, next five years?'
M: 'Right. What do you want to do tonight?'

It still makes me laugh out loud when I think of it. I looked at him like he had a tongue for a nose. As much I as spend my daydreams in the future, I am not actually dotting out a time line for goals and accomplishments. I typically have a general idea of the direction I am headed in and will do what I need to do to make it happen but I also recognize that a shit tonne of change can happen in one sleep let alone in 1,825 sleeps (365 days times 5 years. This is the extent of my mathematical ability).

In coming back to my original point, because my head is often living in the future, much like Marty McFly did I'm sure, I sometimes forget to just be here. In the now, present (thank you Gautama Siddhattha Buddha). And not to say that I don't enjoy my days or that I feel I am missing out on the small and delicious moments but the parts of life that are just a bit bigger than the small stuff, where a little more thought or decision making must go into it, I so easily live it out, scene by scene, before it's even begun that I will remove myself from the experience and be left with no decision at all.

My sensibilities seem to be failing me. Bare with me. I am working this out as I write.

Perhaps I should start with where this thought bubble came from. A couple of nights ago my dear friend and now roommate, Chris, had his old army buddy, Joe, over for a few drinks. The conversation started out in the general 'so how have you been' sort of way and soon turned to the topic of travelling. Joe had just returned from 18 months of globetrotting after breaking contract with army with whom he served for over five years. Chris pulled down the world map from the wall and asked Joe to give us a play by play of his route around the world. Of course, when travel is the topic at hand, the stories start rushing out. Within minutes there were tales of forgotten visas, illegal hotels, each person's great claim to finding the world's most beautiful beach, bug bites so itchy and painful you would consider lighting on them on fire to alleviate the pain and, of course, the bowel movements that only a traveller could ever understand.


Coming from the circle of friends and the community that I've had, travel has always been on the forefront of any conversation. It is never without enormous, gut-wrenching laughs accentuated with wide-eyes, hanging jaws or hands held to the heart. These shared experiences and stories connect us all to the lives and hearts of so many more. They create a deeper understanding and an even more insatiable appetite to visit these places your friends share with you. To weave our stories together, amongst friends and new friends, strengthens my desire to continue gathering my own tales and experiences and to never stop exploring, wandering and seeking out adventure.

And as we threaded together our stories that night, and as what happens when world travel sprawls itself on the table, the root of our own desires to visit these places begin to sprout. The conversation naturally turned to politics, social justice, 'development', international aid and their supporting agencies and economic powers and the people living in the trenches of it all. I remember thinking that THIS, this is what I love. My body reacts instinctually to these matters of the heart. Well, I certainly consider it a matter of the human heart and when it presents itself in the form of a conversation with friends, my body and mind are instantly rejuvenated.

So this is where I am left. Torn but never unstitched. Torn by my desire to pursue both a life in the world of social justice and in the third dimension of art and creativity. I make a decision to take a step back from activism and the world of 'development' (has anyone come up with another word for this development we speak of?) so that I can start working on all things creative (and to move across the country to a city I've never visited to do it) and now that I am here, ready to start this creative pursuit, I can't help but wonder of the possibilities and opportunities I may be giving up in travel or connecting to people on a heart level. And of course I understand that I am not ever really giving up one or the other. Perhaps just putting one thing on hold until I gain a better ground on the other, until I can truly stitch them together. Hoping that one day, in the not so distant future, I can finally (FINALLY!) combine my two loves and live passionately through them.

Perhaps thinking about my own future is not such a bad thing but recognizing that pulling it apart before it's even begun is certainly not a productive or even healthy way to manifest my coming days. In staying present, focused, I can more readily take on challenges or obstacles that may hinder my pursuit of one great life (My one great life!! Hah. It's the only one I have).

But, then again, I always thought I would be a great dancer...