...

I haven't slept for days. And days. Likely (mostly?) because of the new kitten I've taken in to my care who takes 14 hour naps during the day and thinks that 3 am is a good time to play. But also because I have giant windows with no curtains. Too much sun in the morning. I love how it looks, especially when I've had enough sleep but it hurts my eyes.

Maybe it's because going to sleep alone is far more empty than being alone with the sun. These days have been so full of creativity and goodness, without company, for which I am mostly grateful for but even so, I crave good company. Someone (I just need one) to share with, to confide in, to go to with the puzzles pieces of my own life. Just be around. As my dear friend put it today: 'I'm like your cardigan sweater.' Yes. Exactly. Warm. Cozy. Reliable. Constant. Always works. Just a friend. A good one. The one you always feel like hanging out with. The one that you always answer the phone for. The one who can make you laugh and cry in a matter of minutes. I miss that one.

And then there is the no sleep is coming from another place. It's as though my body needs to be awake. I will make several attempts to lay down, fall into some kind of sleep but within minutes I have energy and need to get busy doing something. It's as though there is another energy working around me, pulling me up from bed, keeping my eyes open, my hands moving. And if it's not the energy it's something dancing around my mind. Not as in analyzing things and situations to death (as I've been known to do) but as in working. It's working beyond my control. I can sense that things are changing. The energy around me is shifting, readjusting but I'm just not sure for what purpose yet or why even.

There is a mysterious dance going on around me, I can feel my feet and body moving to the beat. I just can't hear the music yet.

I'm so tired.
I will go make another lame attempt at sleep.