When comfort is uncomfortable

Another day spent skipping from one thing to another with hopes of relieving this painful loneliness. Until today, I have found such comfort in being creative and have really used this time to practice drawing, painting, sewing, writing (obviously). But today I hit a big, ugly, brick wall. My small comfort in creativity has left me feeling uncomfortable and wanting to scream. Just scream. To let a loud, scratchy, roar reach its long, muscly arms from deep inside my stomach and grab the world by the shoulders. To make everyone and everything stop and listen. Just for a moment. Please listen to the silence that eats up my days.

And even in writing this I know that this will pass. That this is just a small part of walking into something so new and unfamiliar. I have been here before. As I've mentioned, I know this dark, mysterious stranger very well. The only difference I feel now is that this loneliness is a different colour. Perhaps it's not even a man but a woman. Or maybe even a child. It's something I can't quite recognize in that I don't crave people as much as I crave purpose. I have met numerous people since I've been here and even have two of my dearest friends living just minutes away. But it's not people I want to be around as much as I long to use my skills for something greater. I think this goes back to that feeling I had in the first place about moving here. It wasn't out of necessity but out of a simple but strong gut feeling telling me to head east. To travel in the direction of the rising sun and be creative.

I find myself sitting right in the middle of silence and madness. I am doing my best to embrace it but even my cute kitten is annoying lately. Maybe I should get a TV? I'm sure my productivity will increase exponentially with all those channels to chose from!??